"And how we thought of you - and you were not there"

On this day my life fall apart.

The worst possible thing happened.

Something that was beyond my imagination.

I lost my most beloved person and I felt like from

Imran Quereshi art, all in blood, thinking of you and 

you were not there.

Imran Quereshi

And how we thought of you - and you were not there

And maybe this was the right moment to put all pieces together.

Since living in Japan I was falling apart slowly.
Step by step I was drowning in depression

and instead of finding the love of my life

I was loosing the meaning.

But there was a fight to continue so I had to keep myself together.

But then the fight ended. It was solved.

In the worst possible way but it was over.

I lost my mom, my best friend, 

the human who all me belonged too. It was over.
On this day I fall apart. Completely.

Parts of me were all around. There was no me anymore.

There was only some trashes, some rotting rests around which should be taken away

before they start to stink.

These trashes of me were alone lying on the ground during long nights.

Nobody even cared about their rot.

Imran Quereshi

I do not know how it started. I do not know what was the beginning of it.

Maybe it was my little dog looking on me with anxiety.
Maybe it was my grandma who I had to become strong for.

Maybe it was supporting messages from my friends. 

Help from many people around which moved me to tears.

Maybe it was my love who even when being far was showing me every day

that his heart is always close.

Probably it was all of it.

So I started to put all these pieces together. One by one.

They were all in scatter so I could put them all in places I wanted to.

I stood up. I made some plans. Started doing things. Meeting friends. 

But above all I changed. I decided to change.

I decided to slow down. No more rush. No more demands from myself.

I want to be nice for myself. Lenient. I want to hug myself tightly.

It is difficult because even if put differently these are still my parts.

My parts full of misery, full of inferiority complex, self-tormenting tendency,

the strive for perfection, hate for myself.

It needs time to exchange them with love and peace. And I allow it to take time.

I want it to take time. Even all life.

Slowly. Slow life. I do not need to reach it.
It is enough to spend my days leaning toward it.

In fact this post was going to be about slow life idea

but the introduction got too long

so I will leave it to the next one.

I am not sure if there is any sense in this life.

But if it exists it has nothing to do with rushing and achieving 

more and more things

we do not even want in the first place. Slowly. One by one. Part by part. 

Because it is not the time to fall apart. Not yet.

It will come and even our funeral roses will end in a trash bin.