Beksiński, Closterkeller and how to survive

I have just probably survived the hardest day of my life.

My beloved person had a very serious operation...

I feel psychically and mentally drained.

Probably only constant mails from my soulmate kept me alive all this time.

I feel like vomiting from too many sweets and medicines.

Sweets can not give me more consolation... I do not even want to see them.

I know that I have to be strong, have to survive it.

I can not be egoistic and do the only thing I really want.

I could do it if it would be only about an existential pain

but not now when there is a beloved person fighting for me too.

I look for some consolation in art.

Music. Painintgs. Books.

I feel like wandering in darkness.

Sinking in it.

But the only way for me to survive pain

is to find something to associate with. To share my feelings.

So not merry songs and bright stories.

My escape is in Beksiński's paintings and Closterkeller music.

I do love Beksiński's art.

Zbigniew Beksiński - Polish painter, photographer

not really popular abroad. 

In Poland quite famous for his surrealistic style.

Either expressionistic or abstract in its form.

I know that Beksiński hated when people were trying to

interpret his paintings, read symbols, look for meanings.

He painted them just like that. And that's all.

I see them just like that.

I see all his either mystical or scary worlds.

Because my own one is similar.

I do not look for meanings. Do not read it.
Go to hell with a creeping death! For me it is only a scary spider.

The strange creature is just the strange creature.

This place is just this place. I can see myself being there.

I move there and find some consolation. Over.
Beksiński's art is so easy to be read symbolically
that I feel that it  looses all its charm when it is read in this way.

I really would like to go to Beksiński's museum in his city Sanok

but right now I am really satisfied with being able to see his temporary exhibition
(around two years ago)

in Cracow and lately going to his permanent gallery in Cracow.

Oh my dear, I felt it there stronger than ever!

I was there inside his art!

Temporary exhibition.
Mostly his late computer graphics.
But I also saw his paintings through virtual reality glasses!

Latest exhibition in Beksiński Gallery, Cracow

I also read the Beksiński and his son biography

by Magdalena Grzebałkowska.

His son, music journalist and movie translator,

Tomasz Beksiński who tried to commit suicide 

many times until he finally succeeded.

I go to the world of fiction

because only there I feel good.

I beg you, do not wake me up

- he recorded on a tape before his suicide.

Father Beksiński created dark paintings "just like that".

He vomitted all his feelings through it and was able to breath fully.

His son was choking it all inside.

They were killing him.

The desire to enter the fiction was too strong to be able to live.

The father's escapes were on a full scale.

His son's ones were not enough. Only temporary. And then the reality was showing itself.

And yes, reality is scary.

I have never felt it more deeply.

The only way to live it to aestheticise it.

Make the pain beautiful.

Sacrifice it. Survive for the people we love.

Probably it is the only thing in life that matters.

People we love.

Closterkeller is not really unconnected.

Tomasz Beksinski, the son, was a good friend of Closterkeller's vocalist.

And appreciated them as the only good Polish band.

Closterkeller, Czas Komety

Closterkeller, Na Krawędzi

Closterkeller, Ogród półcieni

Shrubs of palecyanosed roses

Near them is the opened ground calling

To come in, bury yourself and stand 

Like it, motionless

(...)

Today you entrust your secret to the tears

The secret of silence your oblivion

The pain as cold as expired sun

Joys and dreams

(english translation)